misoginistic, cant even spell it , ask a bird how to…

HIGH-FLYING working mums perform 18 different roles from cook to accountant which would cost them £50,000 in pay, it is claimed.

However, many of these mum magnates’ have set up their own businesses after becoming multi-skilled while bringing up babies and aimlessly wandering around city centres on a Saturday even though they clearly should do this on a weekday and save banging into every cunt on a busy day.

More than nine in 10 business mums say their success is down to a range of skills they developed after becoming a mother.

And four in 10 mums who have set up their own business got the idea for it while pregnant or within a year of their baby being born, whilst they were sitting around doing fuck all and watching Jeremy Kyle, claims research by Yell.com, the online service from Yellow Pages.

Once mums set up their own firms, the study found they perform a remarkable 18 different roles including being a gardener/DIY expert, secretary/receptionist, launderer, prostitute,accountant, cleaner, babysitter wankmaster bunnyboiler and cook.

Those polled estimate they would have to pay an annual salary of around £50,000 for someone else to undertake these tasks. Or more if they wanted them done right, by a man.

Driving: Amazing.

Yell.com commissioned the study to mark its sponsorship of the Inspirational Business Mum of the Year at the 2008 Prowess Awards and to try and drive traffic to its pishy website “lets face it ” said a spokesman “As if any cunt reads the yellow pages now, we need to try something for traffic hits, even if it is made up survey shite”

Fucking trains are still shite.

THOUSANDS of passengers faced further delays in and out of Glasgow Central today as engineering works continue to cause chaos on the rail network.But the good news for passengers is that services should be fully restored by Thursday. (by a Thursday)

Train operator First ScotRail hit out at the company for causing the Lupe fiasco, which would have been avoided if the line had fully re-opened yesterday morning as planned. A spokesman commented “its not our fault! Its some other cunts, the polish probably” before falling back into a drunken stupor

Angry commuters were forced on to replacement buses which looked and smelled like they had been stored underwater for six months. There was major disruption for the tinkers travelling to and from Renfrewshire, Inverclyde and Ayrshire.

Concerned customer earlier today.

But Network Rail today insisted they were working hard to resolve the problem – and sexually hinted services should return to normal tomorrow and Thursday.

A spokesman said “The situation was already improving, with four trains per hour now running between Glasgow and Ayr, Largs and Ardrossan. Ayr has been totally cut off from Glasgow, which frankly is no bad thing”

David Simpson, route director for Network Rail, said: “Network Rail apologises for the inconvenience this delay in re-opening lines has caused passengers.

“We are doing everything we can to restore services and will continue to work around the clock, between 11am and 3,30pm, to complete this work.

Network Rail says it couldn’t complete the works due to ongoing testing of newly-installed signalling equipment in the Shields Junction area because of the fact that one of the workers was waiting for his double the discount DFS sofa to be delivered on an all day slot.

Angry train operator First said they were “surprised , aroused and disappointed” at Network Rail’s failings. Much like his first intercourse.

Managing director Mary Dickson apologised to passengers for delays.

She said: “Our customers must be wondering what on earth is going on and, frankly, so are we. Even though I am personally responsible for it”

“We were disappointed to be advised the works were not running to schedule despite Network Rail’s earlier assurances that they were.” adding “they are pure pricks sometimes so they are” Before getting up off her knees and wiping her mouth.

Weather expected, big whoop.

THE West of Scotland is expected to miss the worst of the weather as temperatures plummet across Scotland, illustrating the lack of any real news or reporting this week.Snow and strong winds have already hit Aberdeenshire and a severe weather warning has been issued for the whole country. Add them to the other usual pishy pridictions like “Bird flu is coming ” and “House prices to drop” and “good looking bird sighted in Glasgow“

Lazy bastard gritters were out in Ayrshire, Lanarkshire and Renfrewshire last night as temperatures hit freezing. However we all know when it comes to it the gritters will be caught short as usual. “One fucking day a year and were planning to the fuck it up” said a local council spokesman.

Temperatures were expected to be around 2-3C inland today but fierce winds means it will feel even colder.

People are being warned to consider their travel plans very carefully and to “take care if they do need to travel, and like going to your work and that, just leave it. If you get any grief off your boss just say that the Eveningtimes says its ok”.

But the good news is the first cold snap of the year is likely to be short-lived with forecasters predicting “a 36-hour blast”.

Scotland will wake up to rising temperatures tomorrow which are likely to be accompanied by rain.

Nikki Berry, above, senior forecaster with Meteo Group, said today: “During tomorrow you are going to have sleet and snow showers across eastern Scotland.” Then added “Can you smell carrots?”

Any snowfall today was expected to be light at no more than two to five centimetres. Oonagh ,below, maintains that she is expecting a good 10 inches up her way.

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Overnight up to 20cm could fall on higher ground, basically just East Kilbride. But it started there on the August Bank Holiday.

Jim Purcell said, “White powder will not stop our boys getting to work, infact some of them probally wouldnt get out of bed with out it”, giving a cheeky footbally factory wink to our reporter.

Underground movement.

DOZENS of cry baby pussy passengers were forced to walk through an underground tunnel after a Subway train broke down.Passengers on the busy Inner Circle service were stranded after the train came to a sudden halt between St Georges Cross and Kelvinbridge stations.After 20 minutes, the driver told the 76 soap dodging passengers they would have to walk to the back of the train and along the track to Kelvinbridge station.Hundreds of scumbags were forced to use the Outer Circle or make alternative travel arrangements, including taxi, bus, and pedalos.

Passenger and , rather creapy cunt ,Johnny Laff, who was enjoying a tenner bag between Buchanan Street and Kelvin Hall, said: “After waiting for 20 minutes we were told the train was totally fucked up a cracker.”

Johnny Above : Creep.

“It took about five minutes walking in the cold and muck to get to Kelvinbridge, which wasn’t very pleasant, especially as I don’t like enclosed spaces. I know, I know, I was in the fucking tube in the first place, so fuck?”

Mr Laff, who is starring in panto as Buttons (oh no he’s not etc….) said he was disappointed at not being offered a “carr-code” by Subway staff.

He added: “Im a big baby and when something unavoidable happens that I think I can milk a few seconds of fame out of I go for it”

“We didn’t even get a refund.

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Workshy SPT staff above.

“I ended up walking. What should have been a 10-minute journey took me an hour-and-a-half.” before sobbing and masturbating into a crisp bag.

An SPT spokesman took a break from filming upskirt shots at Ibrox underground said: “Due to a breakdown we had to close the Inner Circle for an hour-and-a-half. Big Whoop”

One pedo that was on the train with his baby girlfriend said “Its a pain, normally when I try to iniate, you-know-what with my babybride, I make a “choo choo” here comes the train noise. How will my child lover fall for that now? SPT have ruined Christmas.

Annoying prick in trouble again

FORMER Glasgow MSP, and ongoing prick, Tommy Sheridan said he was “furious and shocked” after being charged with perjury. Again… But he vowed to fight on to clear his name. Mainly cause “I’m doing fuck all else” Mr Sheridan spoke out after being charged on Sunday night following a probe into his newspaper defamation case about that time he pumped some ugly slut a beauty down by the Clyde hotel. Plain-clothes officers swooped, (well when we say “swooped” we mean wandered obver to him as he was trying to open his Mondeo)  outside Edinburgh’s TinkyTalk107 radio station, just minutes after he had finished his weekly show to a record audiance of about 26. His saucy wife Gail was also detained by nine officers from Lothian and Borders Police (at her sensual request) at their Glasgow home, while officers searched her pockets. Outside his home in Cardonald palace yesterday, Mr Sheridan expressed outrage at the manner of his arrest, as reported in later editions of last night’s Evening Times. He said: “It’s nine days before Christmas, I havent bought fuck all, My house has been ransacked, my wife has been traumatised, and my two-and-a-half-year-old child has been reduced to tears by the presence of nine police officers. I mean for fucks sake if you cant pump who you like then lie about it in court what can you do?” He harped on : “I’m furious, I’m shocked, but I’m determined to fight on. I’d thought I’d got away with this to.” On his release from Edinburgh’s Gayfield police station, he made a statement vowing to clear his name “I believe that I am the victim of a witch-hunt from the Murdoch empire. Basicaly I’m citing the big boy done it and ran away defence.” His solicitor Aamer Anwar , who was last seen in the paper for defending a terrorist and being that dodgy he was investigated himself (see here) fucking whined on that Sheridan maintained his innocence and condemned the “excessive actions” of Lothian and Borders Police. He won £200,000 in damages over allegations printed by the tabloid about his private life but has yet to receive any of the money pending an appeal by the newspaper. Spending an upfront payment on a polo neck.

Red,red whiney cunt

A LEADING workshy academic has taken a break from boreing HIV cures to brand Buckfast an environmental health risk and wants the tonic wine bottled in plastic and delivered to the infirm.

Dr Alasdair “Eldarado” Forsyth of Caledonian University has just scrawled on a pub wall in excrement the results of a study on the amount of broken glass dumped by street drinkers in the West of Scotland.

Broken Buckfast bottles, also known as “Green diamonds”,  accounted for nearly three out of every five bits of broken glass found in an unnamed town called Airdrie, near Glasgow.

A group of homless soap dodgers, led by the academic, set out to establish the origins of broken glass dumped on the streets of eight residential areas. Kinda of like a jakey Argos version of Indiana Jones.

More than two thirds of the 589 items of glassware identified by the group consisted of broken glass. So let me repeate that, two thirds of the glass they discovered , was glass. Thank god for his college education.

In his report, published in the journal Alcohol Insight, Dr Forsyth said: “The majority of this glassware was Buckfast bottles, which were significantly more likely to be smashed than other brands such as Moet, balsamic vinigar bottles and reading glasses.”

Attention seeking Dr Forsyth, went on to ramble that the product was often to blame for the fragments of glass found in streets. Adding that he was going to use this as a “Pilot” version for his new show “CSI AIRDRIE “

And he added: “If Sainsbury’s can bottle their own wines in plastic, then Buckfast can be packaged the same way.” instantly becoming an expert in bottling manufacturing. He said bottles left lying in the street acted as free “viral” advertising, and added: “It is easily noticed by children, particularly if left where they play, like a tinkers front room or a bottle bank”

However, a spokesman for Buckfast owners J Chandler said he did not believe the product was responsible for such a high proportion of broken glass.

He insisted that buyers, rather than producers were the problem and pointed out that plastic bottles would also constitute a litter hazard, then said “It just isny OK? Would you please fuck off , I’m on my Christmas wind down”

He added: “Is this more “naming and shaming” shite you cunts are into?”

Finially screaming,”Tonic isnt supposed to be healthy you cunts, its not one of your fucking “5 a day” Although if it was my other four would be Elderado, MD2020 and 3 cans of Super”

“We bully people a beauty” say Evening Times

LITTER louts beware the whole of Glasgow now knows who you are. (peados , you can sleep easy!)

Today we reveal the names of a further 500 people hit with fines for littering our streets and we’ll name hundreds more throughout the week. Its a great way to fill copy!

A bin : above

The exposé has sparked a huge response from readers, the vast majority backing our move.

Our online poll, which yesterday asked whether the louts should be named, received its fastest response ever from readers. Within just two hours more than 6 votes had been cast and by 7am today we’d received nearly 8.

And support for our stance to print the list was overwhelming, with more than two-thirds saying we were right to name and shame. Probably the other 33% are pricks anyway.

Today Glasgow fat fuck politicians and its steak bake stuffed citizens also threw their weight behind the drive.

Glasgow SNP MSP Sandra White an part time look alike for Bernie Eccleson (below)  said: “I congratulate the Evening Times for naming and shaming these irresponsible people. All those wee pricks on the list should be ashamed of themselves.” before launching a traffic cone through Pound stretcher’s window.

Tory MSP Bill Aitken added: “Any action taken to improve the city’s image has my full support, providing i dont have to do much”

Lazy bastard Paul below , (trying to work out 9 divided by 3 in his head.)

Springburn Labour MSP Paul Martin left the pub early to slur, “I warmmmly welcome what the Eveeening Timez is doing. It’s about time litter louts faced up to their behaviour and changed it. Your ma best mate, YOU PRICKS!, Sorry I’m sorry” and then he cried a bit.

“There is absolutely no excuse for dropping litter and I believe naming and shaming those responsible is an extremely effective tool. The fact that we don’t empty the bins enough has fuck all to do with it”

The list of shame was obtained from Glasgow City Council which also plans to publish it on their website as part of their £4million Clean Glasgow campaign. So basically were trying to shift the blame to them on this cause we are shitting it that it will be like that peado thing in the News of the World a few years ago.

More than 6000 fines have been issued – mostly by litter wardens – since February.

There was also support for our campaign on the streets.

Pensioner John Berry, 63, from Dennistoun, said: “I’m right behind the Evening Times people who drop litter should be ashamed.” before ranting on about the fuckin polish bastards stealing his milk or something.

Laurence Johnstone, 52, of Muirhead, said: “Hopefully by having their names printed these people will now think twice before dumping litter.” before pulling her pants and skirt back up.

Jean Ferguson of the city centre said: “Bring back hanging!” then added “Hangings to good for them” make up your fucking mind Jean.

However not everyone agreed.

In-between dishing out a happy slapping Alison Knapman, 17, of Bearsden, said: “Naming and shaming seems harsh they’ve already been adequately punished, but I cant even vote so who gives a fuck”

And Elizabeth Mount, 69, In a  totally tinky area Port Dundas, said: “Naming them in public goes too far.”

One man that was happy was the violent and sexy ex-husband of one of the ladies named, who now has her new address and said “ill give her happy fucking Christmas right down her face”

Clown gets into Skoda.

A Polish was kidnapped by a pervert taxi driver, stripped to his pants, and left to walk three miles home in near-fucking-freezing weather.

Festive partygoers in Glasgow were today warned to look out for a crap brief , silver Skoda Octavia touting for passengers following the, sexy late-night robbery.

The 39-year-old was walking along Duke Street, near the Great Eastern Hotel, in the East End following a night out with friends when the car pulled up beside him and the driver asked if he was looking for a taxi, or wanted his painty polish face paneled in.

Detective Constable Ross Arnott said: “He got into the vehicle, which then picked up a male and a female further down the road, possibly not a female hard to tell as she was from Denniston.”

“All three were described by the victim as having Eastern European accents and basically had a different creepy look about them, different from us normal decent peeps.”

The car went near the Forge retail park, and the three threatened the man and told him to remove his clothes, which included a £30 pair of jeans and a £40 top which is a reflection on what kind of tinkers were both victims of this robbery and who carried it out. I mean the Forge?ffs!

Tinkers paradise pictured below.

He was also stripped of his parkapedo-style coat and a wallet with around £30 which he had been paid for painting for the past 24 days on the trot.

The victim, who was drunk  and giddy probably from thinking paedophile thoughts at the time of his ordeal, told police he then walked home to Carntyne in his underwear, and it was very VERY cold, and pointed at his pee-pee, he then said “;)” which was hard to translate from Polish.

DC Arnott said the man left the Old pigs paradise Arta nightclub at around 2.15am on Saturday and may have been spotted getting picked up on Duke Street, or walking between Parkhead and Carntyne. However as a number of people stoat about in their fuckin pants at this time the issuse has been clouded. Nice one detective.

The detective said: “The victim thought it was embarrassing to go to the police, because of the nature of the incident and the fact that most of the police are cunts.”

“We would also like to speak to anyone who saw the victim in the early hours of Saturday so we can narrow down what time the attack took place because the victim arrived home around 6am.”

“But he may have just told his bird this bullshit” he added, and made a wanking sign.